Questions you Should Ask before Accepting a New Child

It is really important to be sure that you know as much as you can about any child that comes into your home, for your benefit as well as the childs. You want to be as sure as possible that you are going to be up for the challenge, and the child stays in one placement.
Here are some critical questions:
1. Why is the child being placed into care?
2. Has the child been in previous foster care homes?
3. Are there any behavioral issues that you need to be aware of?
4. Does the child have any special needs?
5. What is the current family situation? divorce, single parent, access
6. Does the child have siblings? Are they in care?
6. What is the visitation situation/Schedule?
7. How is the child doing in school? Grade? Are there any special needs?
8. Will there be a preplacement visit?
9. Does the child have any medical issues/allergies?
10.Does the child have any problems interacting with other children? Any history of violence or causing damage to property?
11. Are you aware if the child has any specific likes or dislikes that I should be aware of to make this child feel comfortable and at home ie foods, toys, etc.

This will allow you to make as informed a decision as possible. You may not get the answer to all of your questions but at least you are preparing.

What is going on with our Families? Childrens AID Statistics

The statistics in Ontario for families needing help are frightening!
The most recent data in Ontario:
75790 calls to Childrens Aid Society (CAS) reporting suspected child abuse or neglect
77890 referrals to CAS from families, doctors, teachers, neighbours with concerns re safety, abuse, neglect.
27,816 children needed to be moved to substitute homes
7017 foster homes are available in Ontario
There are 8277 full time social workers, youth and child workers, admin staff etc for 53 childrens aid societies in Ontario.

There are many suburban areas where more foster homes are needed and children are having to be moved out of their local area for care or they are moved to group home situations. You can imagine how difficult it would be for a child to be moved away from their school and friends if it wasn't necessary.

The other frightening thing for me was the absolute number 75,790 calls, 77890 referrals. Just visualize that group gathered in one place and imagining that all of these families are potentially in crisis or need assistance. And these are only the families that were identified. There are many other families out there that are never identified.

What is happening to our families? Are we in society not putting enough value on family and child rearing? Do we focus too much on all of the other skills in life and just assume these key skills come naturally?

Helping Foster Children Manage Questions and Comments from Others

Imagine how difficult it must be to be in a new home with strangers, a new school and to make matters worse how do you handle the questions and comments that others have. Most children are not equipped to deal with this. It might be very helpful to discuss this with the child in advance- even role play so they get comfortable with this. The child needs to know that they have the right to privacy and to not answer any questions. "Why are you not living with your own family?" I'm not going to bore you with my long story, who wants to play soccer or race to the end of the playground. or Do you know how boring it is to get asked that question? and walk away. "Why don't your parents want you?" They do want me, but right now I am choosing to live here. Come on lets go do something else. "Do you miss your parents?" Sure. -distract the kids on to another activity. Some kids may prefer a "cover story" and for example that you are their uncle or aunt. That is ok as well. Remember this is all about make the child feel as safe and comfortable as possilbe.

First Impressions Count

So I have been researching and thinking about that first day. The first day a child will be welcomed into our home for a short period or longer period. What are some of the key things I need to do that first day? I tried to put myself in the place of that child- how awkward they will feel, unwelcome and uncomfortable, scared, unsure... I think the most critical thing is to try and go outside and greet them as they are getting out of the car, so they don't have that walk up to front door waiting and wondering what we will be like. Another key is the greeting,trying to make them feel comfortable but acknowleding their feelings - something along the lines of "We are so glad that you are coming to live in our home. I am sure you feel uncomfortable and maybe wish that you were elsewhere, but we are going to do everything we can to make you feel welcome and enjoy your time here until you go back home. Lets go inside and meet everyone." Tour of the house, show them where things are in the kitchen. Drinks in the fridge- with any caveats- help yourself to drinks anytime. Do you drink milk? I think milk is healthier so try and choose that more often than juice. Brief discussion about food likes- ie top 2 favorite foods, top 2 favorite meals. Time to unpack. Discussion about house rules and communication. What do they need right away (ie clothes, toothbrush) Maybe a walk with the dog to unwind and get to know each other in a low pressure environment. Those are my initial thoughts and obviously needs to be adjusted to the age and personality of the child.

Not all Sunshine and roses

One of the critical things you need to think about as a potential foster family is the impact it will have on your own family. Are you ready to support and care for children with real emotional and behavioral problems?
One of the key things I did through the process was research on the internet. I went to forums and message boards to try understand what some of the real challenges were facing foster families and children. It is not all sunshine and roses. Childrens Aid does not want to remove children from their home, they want to support and help families stay together. So the children who are removed must have lived through some very difficult and traumatic scenarios. Children are incredibly resilent but it is not realistic to think that they will behave and act like your own children. Some of these children will have difficulties in school and will need your help with homework- do you have the time and energy to do this? Some may have behavior issues, some may have temper tantrums, lying and stealing could be an issue and they need to be parented in a very positive supportive of way because many of these behaviors come from not trusting the adults in their life. You need to be able to build that trust. One thing to keep in mind is that you won't be doing this alone you will have the support of children's aid. You can't be expected to have all of the answers. So I wrote this not to scare people away but because I believe it is better to expect the worst and plan for the best than to be blindsided. If you can help just one child.....

Hurray Up and Wait

We are so excited, but it is taking so long. Then comes the issue of summer vacation and kids being out of school. What do we do? If we had the child in our care earlier on we could plan and organize camps and daily supervised activities but how can you do that last minute? So now I am getting nervous about getting that call and committing without knowing if I can organize the support network around it?

First Pride Class: Through the eyes of a child

Wow! The PRIDE class was large. Just an estimate but probably 25 couples. There were definitely a few single individuals present. There were so many different reasons people had for fostering. Some families were looking at kinship placement (relatives child needed placement), some families were looking at adoption, single older women who had adopted and their children had left home and they felt they wanted to help other children. I really like the combination of kinship placement, adoption and fostering together for the training. Kinship really helped give you insight into some of the situations these children were coming from. Adoption families helped remind you that if the child ends up in a termination of parental rights there are good homes and families that want them. Fostering really focused on the here and now, helping children in their immediate situation and transitioning them to reunification or to adoption.
One of the key concepts was to look at things "through the eyes of a child". What a great term and important reminder for us as parents and foster parents. The only way for any positive resolution to any situation to occur is to understand and listen to the other persons point of view. We always need to be able to see things through the eyes of a child

Dr Phil on Foster Care

Ok. Are there any good stories to share about Foster Parents? According to Dr. Phil -not too many. I found watching this program very discouraging. It focused on how great it was to volunteer and support the system by becoming a CASA- court appointed special advocate. The program focused on the children who did not have a good experience in the system. I do believe there are those cases but there are also the other stories. There are some incredible foster parents, who have given up life as they knew it and chosen a life of turmoil, stress, love, and new relationships instead. I wish Dr. Phil had shown the good with the bad. Who wants to become a foster parent if they are labelled as the broken part of the system????

One part of the program I did really connect with was: what happens to those children that age out of the system. Often they are on their own, no family, no support trying to make it on their own. I have thought of this often during our training. I hope that I am one of those Foster parents that is able to maintain connections, and help support former adult foster children through their lives. Do I have enough of me to give????

Are my kids on board?

Basically kids are very egocentric. My youngest teen is very keen. He is an empathetic soul who wants to help others. I think he also may have fantasies of being a big brother. He is amazing with children. I could see him being a teacher some day. My oldest is fine as long as his life doesn't change dramatically. Oh, and he doesn't want any embarassment at school. He is a tougher guy, but deep down he truely cares about others so he is into it. I think it is really important that our children are allowed to express their concerns, as a parent it will allows us to be sensitive to any situations that may arise. I also think this will be an incredible journey for my children. It will allow them to get a real picture of the lives and experiences that others have and the path is not always easy. I think it will also allow them to see the impact that the choices people make have on others lives.

Eye Opener

Our first meeting was quite an eye opener. Small group meeting to learn about becoming a foster parent and ask and get questions answered.

The basics were covered. Expectations that children will have their own room and space on the same sleeping floor as your family. The social worker asked "Does anyone know why we would expect that children have their own rooms for sleeping?" An older gentleman answered "Of course to protect yourself. Look what happened to poor micheal jackson.. the poor guy had sleepovers with kids and then everyone is all over him..." Dead Silence in the room. Somehow I don't think bringing up micheal jackson in your first meeting with a social worker is a good thing.

The beginning

At the beginning of the year we made contact with our local childrens aid society. We had a group meeting with other interested parents to learn about the process of becoming a foster parent. Homestudy, Foster Parenting courses (PRIDE), Criminal checks, Fire Inspections, Insurance etc. We were naive as to how long the process would take from initial contact to final completion. At this point we are 6 months into the process. My advice is to make sure you understand that this process will take some time. We started getting a little discouraged three months into it when it became clear it would take alot longer than we thought. We were so excited about helping children in need and then it just seemed to be dragging on. We had to change our mindset that we were in this for the long haul.
The Pride courses are really valuable, although they do lack some depth. The key is they give you a really good overview into looking at this process through the eyes of the child. It really helps you internalize that the main goal is reunifying children and their parents. It is about building stronger families. The homestudy consisted of some psychological/behavioral testing, couple interviews, individual interviews, interviews with your children, reference checks etc. They told us to expect it would be intrusive. Is it? Sure if you are not comfortable with sharing your life and being open. Some people are not and feel it is no one's business but there own. Both my husband and I are fairly open books and in fact I probably share too much on occassion. Bottom line my perspective was none of us is perfect- childrens aid does not expect that. So all in all the process requires lots of commitment- hours of your time for training, interviews, inspections but in the end wouldn't you expect that kind of depth if your own child was placed in a foster home? Don't get me wrong- on occassion I was complaining when is this going to be over with?

Starting the Journey

For a very long time we have thought about becoming foster parents. When my own children were young, I was worried. Would they be safe, was my primary concern. Our life was also hectic and there were more stresses on my marriage in those years. Of my own making. I wanted to be supermom, super employee, super wife...... you get it. I wanted everything to be perfect and done. A clean house, clean kids, lots of activities. What I have learned is something has to give. So here I am now. My children are teenagers, I have given up nagging my husband (for the most part) and I accept the imperfections of my life. It seems like I am at the perfect stage in my life to give back.
What could I do? Africa- help build communities. No, I just don't have it in me- bugs, spiders, food... I thought about volunteering with a program that delivers meals to children at schools. Then I thought about what am I really good at and what do I love. Back to Fostering. My husband was extremely supportive and while excited is not how I would describe his reaction at first. I can say now that he is excited.
There are so many children that need a safe and happy home that will support them through a difficult time in their lives. I know we have what it takes to give back on this level.